Being Consistent and Following Through
As a consistent parent who sets limits and boundaries, you can help your child feel safe and confident.
When a child or teen knows that you will follow through on your word they will have a sense of boundaries and will know what to expect.
Does this sound like you?
“I tell him he must clean up before he can leave, but he doesn’t and then I end up doing it.”
“She means to be on time but when she isn’t, I end up taking her anyway and then being late myself.”
“He speaks so rudely and then promises next time he will be nicer, so I let it go for now.”
“She is so anxious, I don’t want to pile on more expectations.”
I know it is difficult to watch your child or teen struggle. We want to step in and save them and ease their frustration. It’s hard to stand by and watch, and I am big on making sure we give kids extra chances. Those of you who have worked with me or follow my work know this.
As parents, we do need to recognize that kids may not always DO what they know they should. There are times when we need to accept less-than-perfect compliance. After all, we are all works in progress. And when someone has the added challenges that accompany ADHD and/or Executive Function weaknesses, performing up to expectations can be more complex.
With this in mind, I also believe it is vitally important that kids know that their parents CAN and DO set limits and that these limits, for the most part, will be enforced.
And as far as simply setting consequences and restrictions?
Well, that’s the easy part.
It’s Parental Mindset, I believe, that first needs to be addressed.
What is the story you tell yourself when your child does not follow your pre-determined expectation?
Is this your Parental Mindset? 
- I feel bad for him. He has so little time since things take so long, so I’ll just do the things I can.
- She just never realizes how long things take. She can’t help it.
- He gets so angry but then he realizes he was wrong.
- If I point out that she hasn’t followed through, she will just feel worse about herself.
If so, you are not alone.
The good news – you can shift your Parental Mindset and help your child or teen thrive!
There are, of course, many reasons why kids may not meet our expectations.
The most important question to consider is WHY?
In that consideration, ask yourself …
“Is this a pattern of behavior, or an exception?”
“Is he or she capable of meeting the expectation – are they “Respons-able” – capable of doing what is necessary?”
It is so important to really know these answers before choosing how to respond.
Read: Ask “Why” – It’s easier and more powerful than you realize
For the purpose of this article, let’s assume for a moment that your child IS capable of meeting your expectation (meaning that they have skills, strategies, tools, and supports), and yet for whatever reason, has not.
Aside from your annoyance in the moment of having to either:
- compensate for what they have not completed
- deal with the inconvenience they have created for you
- manage your own frustration with how they have spoken to you
…what is the longer-ranging impact of NOT imposing a consequence or restriction on their behavior?
I believe you are decreasing their self-image, reducing their resiliency, and lowering the bar of performance they hold themselves to.
One of the greatest challenges facing people with ADHD/ Executive Function weaknesses is their difficulty regulating their emotions – dealing with anger, frustration, and being flexible. By not holding them accountable to reasonable, achievable expectations, we are allowing them to avoid rather than learn how to manage their emotional reactions. We all must learn to do things that we don’t want to do in order to live life successfully. Whether it is dealing with the boredom of mundane tasks (laundry!) or pushing through the challenge of figuring out a new skill (setting up new systems on a smartphone), or learning to pause, breathe, and calm before reacting to others or life’s disappointments or challenges – we each must find the inner strength, confidence, patience, and resolve if we are going to feel and be successful.
It’s not easy watching others struggle or deal with others’ frustration or anger.
Especially when it is a loved one for whom we feel responsible.
That’s where our Parenting Skills come into play.
Learn and be supported: Calm and Connected: Parenting Children & Teens with ADHD / Executive Function Challenges©
We must know what boundaries and expectations we must set and how to implement and enforce these boundaries and expectations. Sometimes, to help them grow, we must put them in situations where they must fight through their own demons so that they can experience the knowledge, that they can succeed.
Our job is to give them the skills, tools, strategies, and support – and then leave space for them to operate. By setting expectations and boundaries that are reasonable and achievable, and then holding them accountable while managing our own anxiety, anger, and frustration, we allow for their growth to happen.
So much of our children’s self-image and success is based not on their skills, but on their perception of our faith and belief in them. Stay strong, and trust your inner voice. And if you have trouble hearing that voice, reach out. Help is here when you are ready.
Original article published on: Jun 21, 2017
Such good advice. This article hit home on so many points. I will definitely be thinking about this the next time I try to justify not following through on my expectations with my child. Thank you so much Cindy for your knowledgeable and thoughtful assistance with parenting.
Thanks, Carol.