Reflections and insights from the new edition of 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD
There’s a phrase I have carried with me for years – one that guides my work, my teaching, and now, more than ever, my role as a mother and grandmother:
Parent the child you have.
Not the child you thought you’d have. Not the child you might wish for. Not the child society pressures you to shape.
But the child you are blessed with.
Years ago, I heard Dr. Russell Barkley express a version of this idea, one that has stayed with me ever since:
“Our job is not to engineer our children into who we imagined they would be, but to shepherd them toward who they already are.”
After supporting thousands of families through Individual Parent Coaching, teaching my Calm & Connected© workshop series, and training ADHD Parent Coaches across the world, this guiding principle remains the foundation of everything I do. It also extends into my work with educators as Teach the Student You Have.
And now, viewing all of this from the new vantage point of being a grandmother, I feel the truth of this message even more deeply. Watching my own children become parents has shifted something in me – something tender and wise. It has reminded me why this message matters so profoundly, especially for families raising children with ADHD.
Why This Message Matters So Much for ADHD
Parenting a child with ADHD is a journey filled with love – and often, worry.
Parents want to give their children the best possible chance to succeed, yet so many are carrying:
- quiet self-blame
- guilt about what they “should” have done differently
- frustration when traditional approaches don’t work
- fear that their child will struggle
- exhaustion from trying to manage daily challenges
This is why “Parent the Child you Have” is not simply a gentle suggestion.
It is permission.
It is freedom.
It is the beginning of a healthier, more connected path.
ADHD is not a character flaw, a discipline problem, or a sign of lazy parenting.
It is a neurodevelopmental difference, and it requires a parenting approach grounded in understanding, compassion, and connection.
What It Really Means to Parent the Child You Have
Parenting the child you have means recognizing that your child’s behavior is a window into their brain – not a measure of your worth.
It means shifting from:
• “Why won’t you just…?”
to
• “What’s getting in your way?”
And from:
• “How do I fix this?”
to
• “How do we understand this together?”
It means loving your child for who they truly are today – not who the world expected, or who you imagined before you understood ADHD more deeply.
This perspective doesn’t lower expectations.
It creates realistic, supportive, and effective ones.
What I Shared with My Own Children
When reflecting on this idea, I found myself writing these words, not just as a professional, but as a mother watching her children find their beloveds and become parents:
“You’ll do amazing things, because so much of who you are has already been set. You have your talents, passions, quirks, and challenges. Your genius and your struggles are woven into you. My job was never to sculpt you – it was to walk beside you, support you, love you, and help you discover who you already were.”
This is the heart of parenting.
They do not need to be engineered.
They need to be understood.
Turning “Parent the Child You Have” Into Daily Practice
For nearly 20 years, I’ve watched the transformation that happens when parents shift their perspective. They move from overwhelm to clarity, from power struggles to connection, from guilt to confidence.
This is the foundation of the Calm & Connected parent workshop series – where parents learn:
- how the ADHD brain works
- how to reduce conflict
- how to support emotional regulation
- how to set realistic expectations
- how to build cooperation rather than control
- how to strengthen relationships
- how to create shared solutions
Some parents choose to work with one of our experienced ADHD Parent Coaches individually, where they can dive deeply into their child’s specific needs and receive personalized guidance. Others prefer the workshop setting, where they discover the comfort of being surrounded by parents who are living the same challenges, asking similar questions, and celebrating similar wins.
Whether you join individually or in a group, the Calm & Connected philosophy offers the structure, tools, and confidence you need to bring this approach into daily life — and it reminds you that you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
And for professionals wanting to guide families on this journey, the ADHD Parent Coach Academy continues to grow worldwide, giving parents access to trained coaches who understand the nuances of ADHD and Executive Function.
A Perfect Moment to Share Something Special…
As I’ve been revisiting these themes in my own life and in my work with families, I’m thrilled to announce that the new, expanded 2nd edition of my book, 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD: Supporting Your Child’s Executive Function, will be published on February 17, 2026.
This edition goes deeper into everything this article explores:
• understanding the brain beneath the behavior
• reducing guilt
• setting realistic expectations
• creating supportive systems
• and learning to truly parent the child you have
My publisher, W.W. Norton, is offering 20% off and free US shipping for all preorders through February 15th.
Preorder Here
And I am also making the Introductory Chapter, the Big 6 Parenting Guide, and the Parent Wheel available as a free download: https://ptscoaching.com/free-gifts
These tools beautifully complement this article and offer concrete ways to begin shifting from “engineer” to “shepherd.”
Final Thoughts
Parenting the child you have is an act of courage and love.
It asks us to let go of guilt, soften our grip, and trust that our children’s strengths will emerge over time, with support and understanding.
You do not have to do this alone.
Whether through attending the live interactive Calm & Connected webinar, one-on-one Coaching, or the guidance offered in my new book, I am here to walk this journey with you.
Your child is already becoming who they are meant to be.
Your job is simply to help light their Pathway to Success!
Really like how these blogs talk about emotional regulation for adults too. Parenting is stressful, and it helps seeing that parents need tools just as much as kids do.