Editor’s note: This essay reflects ideas from my newly updated book, 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD, which was released February 17, 2026.
Most parents don’t set out wanting to control their children.
The parents I work with want something far more humane: a home that feels calm and connected, where there’s laughter, mutual respect, learning, and room for everyone to grow. They want to guide their children, not battle them. They want to lead without losing the relationship.
And yet, very early on, many parents find themselves doing far more directing, managing, and enforcing than they ever imagined. They give orders. They set limits. They make decisions that their children push back against – sometimes fiercely.
Not because they want power, but because life demands it.
Creating a safe, structured environment where learning happens and daily essentials get done requires parental leadership. Children need guidance. They need adults who can hold boundaries, anticipate needs, and provide a sense of stability when things feel overwhelming.
Still, many parents flinch at the word control. It feels harsh. Controlling. Like a failure of empathy.
What I’ve learned over years of sitting with families is this: the problem isn’t control itself. It’s what happens when we confuse control with controlling.
Control vs. Controlling
Control in parenting is not about micromanaging, overpowering, or forcing compliance. It’s about thoughtfully deciding when to take charge and when to loosen the reins. It’s about leadership in the service of safety, learning, and growth.
Controlling, on the other hand, often grows out of urgency and fear. It shows up when parents feel backed into a corner – when the stakes feel high, and nothing seems to be working. That’s when pressure creeps in, voices rise, and power struggles take hold.
Without a balance between control and flexibility, family life can quickly become filled with conflict, chaos, and stress. It’s exhausting – for parents and children alike.
Understanding this distinction changed how I saw so many families. And it led me to a metaphor that helped parents breathe again.
Clay Kids and Cactus Kids
Some children are like clay.
They’re flexible and adaptable. With gentle guidance, they’ll mostly follow along. They may complain or resist at times, but they tend to adjust and comply. Traditional parenting strategies – reminders, routines, gentle nudges often work reasonably well.
Other children are more like cactus flowers.
They’re beautiful and deeply sensitive on the inside, but not very flexible. They don’t respond well to being rushed or pushed. They resist pressure, even when the request is reasonable: eat your dinner, clean your room, do your homework. What feels like guidance to a parent can feel like an outright threat to them.
These children tend to open on their own terms and on their own timelines.
This isn’t about “good” kids and “difficult” kids. It’s about wiring. About nervous systems. About how different children experience demands, transitions, and expectations.
For parents of cactus kids, the usual advice often backfires. More reminders lead to more resistance. More urgency leads to shutdowns or explosions. And parents are left wondering what they’re doing wrong.
Why Cactus Kids Struggle More
Cactus kids often struggle most in environments that prioritize speed, compliance, and output – worlds built on do it now, just try harder, you know better.
For many kids with ADHD and Executive Function challenges, the issue isn’t motivation or defiance. It’s the load placed on systems that are still developing: planning, emotional regulation, working memory, and flexibility.
When pressure increases, those systems don’t rise to the occasion – they collapse.
What looks like refusal is often self-protection. What looks like laziness is often overwhelm. And what looks like defiance is frequently a child trying to hold themselves together.
Once parents see this, everything shifts.
What Parenting Cactus Kids Taught Me About ADHD
Over the years, parents kept asking for help in the same places:
Why does discipline seem to make things worse?
Why does my child fall apart over small demands?
Why does urgency shut them down?
Why do consequences so often escalate behavior instead of changing it?
At the same time, our understanding of ADHD was evolving. It became clearer that ADHD is not just about attention, but about executive function, emotional regulation, and motivation – and about how stress, urgency, and pressure can overwhelm developing systems.
As I continued working with families, it became clear that the conversations parents needed were also changing. They weren’t just asking for strategies; they were asking how to support their children in a world that demands more independence, faster responses, and greater self-regulation than ever before. Parents were navigating more pressure, more transitions, and far less margin for error. Kids were being asked to self-regulate in environments that rarely supported it.
Is your child a Cactus Flower?
A cactus flower doesn’t bloom because it’s forced to.
It blooms because conditions are right.
There’s enough safety. Enough predictability. Enough time.
When parents stop trying to pry cactus kids open – and instead focus on creating the conditions that allow them to open – something remarkable happens. Resistance softens. Trust grows. Skills begin to develop.
Structure still matters. Boundaries still matter. Control still matters.
But controlling doesn’t.
A Different Measure of Success
For parents of cactus kids, the goal is not compliance. It is capacity.
It’s helping children feel safe enough to grow skills over time. It’s recognizing that flexibility develops when pressure decreases. And it’s understanding that leadership rooted in connection builds far more than obedience – it builds confidence, resilience, and trust.
This perspective is at the heart of my newly updated edition of 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD. The book reflects years of listening to families, learning from children, and adapting to a world that demands more from both than ever before.
At its core, this work is about helping parents stay focused on what matters most: maintaining a positive relationship with their child. And for cactus kids, that relationship is where everything begins.
About my new book
The newly updated edition of 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD brings together years of listening to families and learning alongside professionals who want approaches that are compassionate, practical, and grounded in real life. It focuses on why pressure so often backfires, how leadership can coexist with empathy, and how skills grow best when relationships are protected.
Whether you’re a parent looking for a steadier footing or a professional supporting families dealing with ADHD and executive function challenges, my hope is that this book feels both validating and useful – something you can return to again and again.
The book was officially released on February 17, 2026. You may order it here.
