Why Friendship Feels So Complicated for Neurodivergent Adults

And what we were never actually taught about it – a conversation with Caroline Maguire

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One of the most common concerns I hear from adults with ADHD is, “Why is it so hard to make good friends?”

It’s not something people often say out loud. But for neurodivergent adults, it shows up everywhere – in overthinking conversations, feeling unsure where you stand, wondering why everyone else seems to have buckets of friends.

In my work coaching parents of kids and teens with ADHD, I see how often the social struggles don’t disappear in adulthood. They just get quieter – and lonelier.

That’s why I was eager to speak with Caroline Maguire, author of Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults. Caroline has spent decades helping individuals understand the unspoken rules of social connection – and what to do when those rules were never clearly explained.

What she offers is both practical and deeply validating. A way to make sense of something that has felt confusing for far too long.

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Cindy: This book tackles something many adults quietly struggle with. What made you decide to write about friendship specifically for neurodivergent adults?

Caroline: Over the years, I kept hearing the same theme. Adults would come in saying, “I try. I really try. But something keeps going wrong.” They were not lacking effort or desire. They were missing information and skills.

Here’s the truth – friendship is taught indirectly. Most people are expected to absorb the ins and outs of making friends through observation and intuition. But if your brain does not pick up on those cues automatically, you’re left trying to reverse-engineer something everyone else seems to “just know.” I wanted to make those invisible rules visible.

 

Cindy: You often talk about the “hidden curriculum” of friendship. What does that mean?

Caroline: The hidden curriculum is everything we are expected to understand but no one explicitly teaches. Things like how long to talk to someone, when to shift topics, how to show interest without overdoing it, or how to repair after a misstep.

These are not small details – they are the structure of connection. When you don’t have access to them, it’s easy to misread situations or feel like you’re always slightly out of sync.

CINDY’S NOTE

This mirrors something I hear constantly from the parents I coach – and from the professionals I train through my ADHD Parent Coach Academy. The assumption that kids will “just figure out” social connection follows them right into adulthood.

Cindy: Many people assume friendship should feel natural. What do you want readers to understand about why it often does not?

Caroline: We have created this idea that friendship is instinctive, but it is actually a set of skills. Like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and refined.

For neurodivergent individuals, there may be differences in how they process social information, track multiple cues, or interpret tone and timing. That does not mean they are bad at friendship. It means they have been expected to learn in a way that does not match how their brain works.

“That does not mean they are bad at friendship. It means they have been expected to learn in a way that does not match how their brain works.”

Cindy: You describe moments where people replay conversations afterward. What is actually happening there?

Caroline: That replay is often someone trying to find clarity after the fact. In the moment, there may have been too many signals to process at once – facial expressions, tone shifts, group dynamics.

Later, when everything slows down, they start asking, “Wait, what did that mean?” That is not overthinking. It is delayed processing. Once you understand that, you can start to build strategies that support your brain in real time.

Cindy: One of the themes in your book is learning to “read the room.” How do you teach something that feels so abstract?

Caroline: I break it down into observable pieces. Instead of saying “read the room,” we look at specific cues. Who is talking? Who is quiet? How fast is the conversation moving? Are people building on each other’s ideas or shifting topics quickly?

When you turn something abstract into something concrete, it becomes much more manageable. You are no longer guessing – you’re noticing and attending to what’s right in front of you.

Cindy: You also talk about skills like timing, reciprocity, and repair. Which do adults struggle with most?

Caroline: Repair is a big one. Many people think a misstep means the relationship is damaged or over. In reality, repair is part of a healthy friendship.

It’s knowing how to circle back if something feels awkward or clunky. Knowing how to clarify or restate your thoughts for better delivery. And acknowledging when something did not land the way you intended. These are the actions that build trust between friends over time.

Cindy: There is a lot of shame tied to feeling “bad at friendship.” How did you approach writing about this?

Caroline: I was very intentional about language. Instead of labeling someone as awkward or “too much,” I describe what is happening in a situation.

“You cannot solve problems from shame or blame – but you can from awareness.”

Cindy: Your book moves from understanding friendship to actually finding your people. What do most adults get wrong about that step?

Caroline: They assume proximity equals compatibility. Just because you are around someone does not mean they are your person.

Finding your people requires noticing shared values, mutual effort, and how you feel after spending time together. It is less about forcing connection and more about recognizing alignment.

Cindy: You also address friendship at work. What makes workplace friendships different?

Caroline: There are additional layers – professional expectations, boundaries, and power dynamics. That can make it harder to know how much to share, when to initiate, or how to move from coworker to friend. But it is also one of the most common places adults build connections, so it is important to understand how it works.

CINDY’S NOTE

This is something that comes up in my educator training work, too. Teachers and school staff navigate these same layered dynamics every day – and rarely have language for why it feels so complicated.

Cindy: You draw from a range of voices and experiences. How did those conversations shape your perspective?

Caroline: They grounded the work in lived experience. Research is important, but it does not always capture the nuance of what it feels like to be in these moments. Hearing how people navigate masking, identity, or social fatigue added depth. It reminded me that there is not one right way to connect. There are many ways, and they all need to be honored.

Cindy: What surprised you most while writing this book?

Caroline: How many adults were carrying the same quiet question: “Why is this so hard for me to make and keep friends?” Once you realize how common that experience is, it shifts the narrative. It is not an individual failure – it is a reflection of the gap between how we teach and talk about connection.

 

Cindy: For someone who feels stuck or discouraged, what is one small shift that can make a difference?

Caroline: Start by observing, not judging. Instead of asking, “What did I do wrong?” ask, “What happened in that interaction?” That small shift creates space for learning instead of self-criticism or self-blame.

 

Cindy: If readers take away one core idea from this book, what do you hope it is?

Caroline: That friendship is not something you are either good at or not. It is something you can understand. And once you understand it, you can approach it in a way that works for you.

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Caroline’s work is a reminder that connection is not about becoming someone else. It is about having the tools to show up as yourself with clarity and confidence. As someone who works with families and professionals navigating neurodivergent brains every day, I’m glad books like this exist – and that conversations like this one are finally happening out loud.

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone – and there’s a way forward.

Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults by Caroline Maguire