Have you ever wondered why your child doesn’t want your advice, EVEN when they come to you?
What is your child is actually looking for?
Does this sound familiar?
“Stop telling me what to do.”
Or just: “I know.”
Or the one that stings a bit more: “I wasn’t asking for advice.”
If you’re parenting a pre-teen or teen, you’ve likely heard some version of this. And it’s confusing.
Because just minutes earlier, your child was talking. Sharing. Walking you through what happened with a friend, a teacher, a situation that clearly isn’t going well.
So of course, you step in. You offer a suggestion. A better way to handle it. Something they could say next time. You’re trying to help.
And suddenly, the door closes.
What Changes Over Time
This shift doesn’t happen overnight.
When kids are younger, they bring everything to you. The play-by-play of recess. Who said what. Who didn’t share. Who hurt their feelings. And naturally, you respond. You guide. You explain. You help them think through what to do next.
That role becomes familiar. Expected. Comfortable. You are the one who helps them figure things out.
But over time, something changes.
They still come to you. They still talk. But they are no longer always looking for direction. They’re looking for something else.
A Familiar Moment
I was talking with a parent recently who described a familiar pattern.
Her daughter would come home and immediately start sharing something that happened with her friends. There was tension, confusion, and hurt feelings. The parent listened for a few minutes, then jumped in with what felt like a helpful suggestion.
“Why don’t you just say this to her tomorrow?”
Her daughter shut down.
“I know.”
Conversation over.
The parent walked away frustrated. “I don’t understand. She came to me. Why wouldn’t she want help?”
What’s Actually Happening
Here’s what’s often happening in that moment.
Your child isn’t coming to you for solutions. They’re coming to you to process. To sort out what they’re thinking and feeling in real time. To hear themselves say it out loud and make sense of it.
When we move too quickly into advice, it interrupts that process. It can unintentionally feel like pressure, correction, or even judgment.
For kids with ADHD and executive function challenges, who often process out loud, this matters even more. Talking is part of how they think.
When we jump ahead to solutions, we’re moving faster than their brain is ready for.
A Simple Shift
This is where a small shift can change everything.
Before you respond, ask:
Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?
Most kids know the answer immediately. And the answer tells you how to show up.
If they want help, you can problem-solve together. If they want to be heard, your job is to listen, reflect, and stay with them. If they want comfort, connection comes first.
You can also shift how you respond by using more observational, low-pressure language – what I often refer to as declarative language – which helps your child think without feeling pushed.
What This Really Means
The question itself isn’t the point. What matters is that you’re shifting your response to match their need.
You’re no longer stepping in as the problem-solver by default. You’re stepping in as the person who helps them figure out what they need in that moment.
Why This Is Hard
This can be uncomfortable.
It means holding back when you see something clearly. It means tolerating the pause instead of jumping in. It means trusting that your child can get there, with you beside them, rather than directing them.
It also means letting go of the idea that being helpful always means giving advice.
What Changes When You Do This
When parents begin to make this shift, they notice something important. Their child keeps talking longer. They open up more often. The defensiveness decreases.
And over time, when they do want help, they’re more willing to hear it. Because it’s coming in a way that matches what they’re ready for.
Staying in Your Role
This doesn’t mean you stop guiding your child.
It means you choose your moments more intentionally. You build connection first, so your influence actually lands.
A Different Kind of Parenting
Parenting older kids, especially those with ADHD and executive function challenges, requires a different kind of leadership.
Less directing. More understanding.
Less reacting. More observing.
You’re still incredibly important. But your role is evolving.
And when you adjust how you show up, your child doesn’t pull away. They lean in.
A Final Thought
If this dynamic feels familiar, you’re not alone.
This is the kind of shift I work on with parents every day – helping you understand what’s happening beneath the surface and how to respond in a way that keeps the relationship strong while still building skills over time.
If you want more support around this, you can learn more here:
https://ptscoaching.com/parents/
