Calm and Connected Parenting Is Not the Problem

As an ADHD and Executive Function parenting specialist, I’ve spent decades training thousands of parents, educators, and mental health professionals around the world. My Calm and Connected model has helped families navigate the real-life messiness of raising kids with complex needs—without resorting to punishment or passivity. So when I saw the recent Wall Street Journal article titled “Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello ‘F—Around and Find Out,’” I wasn’t surprised. But I was concerned.

The Frustration Is Real

Many parents are exhausted. After years of emotional strain, shifting school environments, and increased behavioral challenges, it’s no wonder that some are feeling done. Completely fed up. Articles and social media posts now echo a sentiment that’s gaining steam: forget gentle parenting—it’s time to be tough again. The shorthand? FAFO. As in, ‘F— Around and Find Out.’

This trend reflects a real need: Parents want effective strategies that restore order and respect in their homes. But the cultural pendulum is swinging too far in response to a misinterpretation of what “gentle” parenting actually means.

The Real Problem Isn’t Gentle Parenting

Let’s be clear: Calm is not the opposite of clear. And being supportive does not mean being permissive. Unfortunately, some parenting advice has leaned heavily on validation and empathy—without offering concrete tools for setting limits. This leaves parents thinking they have only two choices: be soft and permissive, or go full drill sergeant. Neither is the answer.

What Calm and Connected Parenting Actually Means

The Calm and Connected model is rooted in brain science. It’s about holding limits while preserving connection. It’s about being the calm in your child’s storm—not adding to the chaos. Parents learn to guide behavior not by overpowering kids, but by teaching skills: emotional regulation, impulse control, and problem-solving. We build structure, not shame. And we set limits without sarcasm or humiliation.

What Real Authority Looks Like

Authority doesn’t come from volume. It comes from clarity, consistency, and presence. When parents respond with calm authority—even in the face of misbehavior—they model the exact skills their children need to learn. Throwing a child in a pond, as one parent did in the WSJ article, might feel momentarily satisfying. But it teaches power, not responsibility.

What Parents Can Do Instead

Here are some foundational strategies I teach in my Calm and Connected workshops:

– Hold the limit and the emotion: “I know you’re mad, and I’m still saying no.”

– Use natural consequences without sarcasm or threats.

– Teach problem-solving and impulse control over time—not in the heat of the moment.

– Model emotional regulation yourself: take a pause, speak respectfully, and stay connected.

Let’s Move Beyond the Binary

We don’t need to choose between “gentle” or “strict.” The goal isn’t to be soft or harsh—it’s to be effective. To raise kids who feel safe, seen, and supported even as we teach them to be responsible, respectful, and resilient. When we lead with connection, we gain influence. And when we build skills instead of shame, we help our kids grow into the best version of themselves.

If you’re ready to move beyond power struggles and punishment—and toward clarity, connection, and long-term change—I invite you to explore the resources at PTS Coaching. You don’t have to choose between being liked and being in charge. You can be both, with the right tools and support.